Bruises I: The Genesis

I was so young 

Anything I did

You applauded strong 

When I hit you,

When I hit my sister 

You rejoiced and said my arms were developing well 

I am being and becoming the man

When I talked without control to you, to papa, to my brother, you said I was building my vocals, I was standing up for myself

Every time, every single time. You attributed my aggressiveness to

Na small pikin, e no sabi wettin e di do 

But who be get for teach me the correct thing for do

I was just a toddler some say

But I can remember vividly how you always rained insults on papa day in day out as if it was his admission fees , or nutrients and vitamins required for daily living, thank God he was strong enough not to raise a hand but when I saw it I thought It was the way , so I decided to walk your way and now I cry because my body hurts and I feel like you led me astray 

When papa left you 

You felt so dejected and rejected , filled with so much rage and anger that when you turned around and saw me , all you could see is him in me and your rage for that gender you poured on me , punishing me for the sins of my father which I knew nothing about 

What could I do mama

For I loved you and interpreted your actions for love and learnt the only way to show love was the way you showed it to me .

How untrue

Dada 

You left mama in so much pain, 

So for every member of the gender, you come in contact with, the schema you let mama create in you ruled the way you treated them 

You could no longer take that much so you resolved to using your hand to shut them up

before they could even say as much

To the point that whether she spoke or not 

You will hit and kick just because you saw mama in their eyes, 

Even in your daughters' eyes 

So she developed the hatred for your gender and vowed to never let that happen to her so she used her mouth, her words as self-defense to make sure what happened to mama never happens to her but deep down those words came from hurt and the pain she felt inside and had to go through all her life 

Nada 

Little did I know there is always another way

The way of love that endures, the way that does not hurt, the way that gives, the way that sacrifices for one another 

The way that walks away and leaves all the rage and anger behind .

The way that walks away not because I hate you but because I love you and love me too much to let myself be treated like less of a human. 

The way that questions the way I was raised

But helas

Here I am

In this dark abyss

Cold and alone 

Trying to learn the things I was never taught

Reaching out to out the world

But who wants a violent, aggressive and dark soul as mine

Who will show me the love to transform me 

The courage to face the world

And the attention too grow and glow 

Mama, you killed you killed me

Father, what if you didn't leave

What if you stayed back

 to teach me the way

Did you give up on me too

Your love and upbringing got met me here 

In this darkness where II am struggling to find my way out